Jon Tigert
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On "Partner Shaming"

4/25/2016

15 Comments

 
​Alright Lindy Hop Nation,
Recently at a workshop designed for all levels of dancers, I heard after the fact that a few of the newer leaders (Who enjoyed their first workshop so much they came back for more) were made to feel so inadequate by more advanced followers that one of them actually left halfway through, and both felt so discouraged by the experience that they questioned their initial interest in the dance.
This is not an isolated incident, and it is not a one way street. I hear it from followers and leaders, both privately and in front of an entire class.

"The leaders are pulling me off balance." "The followers can't get this rhythm right." "No one is getting the stretch that we talked about"


We've probably all had these thoughts in our head in a class at some point or another, and that's not the end of the world. Sometimes, you might even be right. But when you start to raise your hand in a class, or take out your frustration on other students, then we have a problem. Here's a few things to remember when you have these thoughts.
1. Everyone struggles with something. I'm certain there have been times in a class where you have been overwhelmed, struggled with a rhythm, or been given a concept that just didn't click at first. THIS IS WHY YOU TAKE CLASSES! If you never struggle in a class, then you are taking classes the wrong way.

2. Your teachers most likely already see the problem (it's what they are paid to do after all). Most likely, they only have one hour with you for this topic and there are more glaring issues to address, or they understand that the issue is there, and know this is something people might struggle with at first. Some things just need a healthy dose of failure to get figured out. Again, the struggle is real, and it is why you take the class in the first place.

3. ACCEPT THAT YOU MAY BE PART OF THE PROBLEM.
I won't sugar coat this, as a teacher, 90% of the time that I hear "My partner does blah blah," it can be tied back to something you are doing. It probably isn't all on you, but partner dancing is a 2 way street, and you and your partner are in this together.

4. There are so many better ways to say what you want to say. Feedback is good. We encourage partner to partner feedback. If something you do is uncomfortable and no one ever tells you, then you'll never know. However, and this is the most important part: There are so many better ways to say what you want to say.

- Instead of "The leaders in class are pulling me off balance," Why not say (to your partner or your teachers) "I'm finding myself off balance on count 6, is there something we could adjust to try and fix it?"

- Instead of "None of these followers are getting the rhythm right" you could try "Can we go over that rhythm one more time?" Or "Is there something I can do to help you with the rhythm?" Chances are that if they are not nailing it, they already know it. Offering help is much more efficient than public insults.

It is incredibly disheartening to hear from students that they really enjoyed the classes, but other students are making them feel uncomfortable and inadequate to the point of not wanting to continue with dancing. So, let's cut "Partner Shaming" out of classes. It's self-centered, unproductive, and rude.


15 Comments
jodi daynard
4/25/2016 09:38:48 am

Thanks for sharing this!!! It's amazing. And it's complicated. I think compassion is teachable, though--that's the good news. I get why people complain, too. Since I lead and follow, I've had it both ways. Leads have stopped mid-dance to mansplain things to me. Follows have complained they "didn't feel the lead." To beginning and intermediate students, "the better you get YOURSELF, the more you'll be able to enjoy dancing with others of ALL levels. So--focus on that!" Thanks, Jon. And btw, how's Beantown skit coming wink wink?

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Wes
4/25/2016 09:44:19 am

Beautifully put.

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Tray
4/25/2016 10:31:54 am

When I placed at a higher track at Lindy focus I was overjoyed. During the classes I experienced "partner shaming" as you called it and watched it happen to other people. I became so focused on not being embarrassed or not wanting to be the lead that didn't get it on one or two partner rotations that I did not have much fun in the process. I remember venting about it during down time and not looking forward to classes. I switched to buying dance passes only at that event. However, I do think that it is ultimately my responsibly on how I take that experience and what I do with it.

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Joseph
4/25/2016 11:44:19 am

I recently attended a local event. I signed up for a level without reading the minimum required moves. When I was in class, the teacher said that we should be familiar with the moves specified for that level because they will be building up on it. I know for sure that I do not know the said move and when we were reviewing it. I couldn't execute it. I felt bad for the follows that I partnered up with during the rotation, so, I went to the organizer and asked if I can be leveled down. Nobody shamed me into doing it, I initiated it. I guess my point is that, this also works both ways. Some people think that they can just pick up moves on the fly (maybe they can). If they can keep up with the pace, then that's good. If not, they are making the experience bad for the others. I didn't enjoy the feeling of being inadequate, and I'm sure that the feeling was mutual with my partners in the class. I faced it and went to level that was right for me. I enjoyed it and was even complimented by partners on the other class.

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Katie
4/27/2016 07:49:24 am

THANK YOU. Classes are supposed to be challenging, but not so much that they won't be fun for you or your partners. I wish more people did this.

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Angel
4/25/2016 01:10:07 pm

Thanks for posting this!

I notice a lot of this behavior, especially in mixed level workshops or in tracked workshops with people who were placed lower than they would have liked. I will also say that I have been guilty of participating in this behavior at times when I was having a frustrating experience.

I think it's important to remind ourselves that the people we're in class with are *people* first and foremost, and dancers second. They don't exist to be our own personal leads and follows. If you find yourself in a situation where you're unhappy with the level you've been placed in, try to remember that the people that you are dancing with aren't the ones who did the placements.

Now, if I'm feeling frustrated by what's happening in a workshop, I remind myself of all of the things I can be working on myself and try to think of ways that I can help address the problems we're experiencing as a partnership. If I'm still frustrated, it might affect whether I register for the same event or not the following year. However, I do my best to make sure that my attitude is never ruining a workshop experience for someone else.

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Tanya
4/25/2016 03:37:14 pm

I like your approach a lot. It seems like dancers are pretty willing to observe conventions once they know them. What about giving a two minute primer on how to solicit and give positive feedback at the start of lessons?

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Jon link
4/25/2016 05:08:46 pm

We do typically take this approach at the beginning of each class, or certainly whenever we ask students to discuss what is happening. Sadly, it doesn't mean everyone adheres to that advice.

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Laura
4/25/2016 07:38:29 pm

So well put. It's a social dance for goodness sakes! Working on your technique is great, but if you do it at the expense of creating a fun, warm friendly experience for your fellow dancers... then what is the point?

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Jeff
4/26/2016 12:52:19 pm

mmhmm

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Rich Bray link
4/26/2016 06:35:23 pm

This is a current topic in the West Coast Swing and Tango communities I frequent also. Mansplaining and galangry indicate both sides are involved. One solution, 5th night of a monthly class is strictly question and answer and the art of active listening is definitely taught. Remember, souting to be heard and yelling at your partner are not the same though they often garner the same result.

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Anna Tuckwiller
4/26/2016 10:32:29 pm

I wish we were encouraged to ask more... to ask for feedback or to ask for what we need. I'm glad that you are doing that. One bit that I think is helpful is to encourage students to ask for what they need! In your follows' knocked off balance example, perhaps,"Hey, I could use your help! Would you be willing to help me keep my balance at this point in our steps? Here's what I think would help..." Asking for what you'd like instead of using language of evaluation towards your partner seems infinitely more productive. It was not a teacher that encouraged me to do this but a shoulder injury... would that I had felt more confident of such a step early on.

I think when we don't know how to ask... we shame/blame. It's a way of discharging some kind of discomfort or pain.

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Joo-Lee Stock link
5/23/2016 01:09:29 pm

Thanks for sharing, Jon. Valuable stuff

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Dan
5/23/2016 01:47:12 pm

I'd say just say something if you genuinely have a question about yourself. Don't try to "fix" other people with disguised questions or comments. You're better off figuring out how to dance with "wrong" people than trying to correct them. That way, when you are a fancy-pants advanced dancer, you won't have an attitude about dancing with new people or people who just aren't as good as you. Hooray!

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Tina
5/24/2016 11:39:20 am

As a single mom with a tight budget I can afford two dance camps per year max (please keep in mind that while teachers get their air fare, hotel and food paid for camp participants have to fork over quite a junk of money). And it is very frustrating when I can't get what I signed up for in the classes because people refuse to read or ignore level recommendations. Frankly, I don't see why I should be friendly and polite if someone else clearly overestimated his/her dancing abilities. While social dancing is about fun and meeting new people of all (!) levels classes should be about learning. I have only experienced once in 11 years that teachers strongly suggested to a student to move down one level. Wish it had been more often...

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